Helping Your Child Through Loss

I’m sure I do not have to tell you that becoming a parent changes a lot of things. Some things are obvious. Some hit you a few months into it. Some you realize after years.

One of the biggest changes I’ve been noticing in recent years is friendships. Yes, its harder to make friends when you’re a mom. Blah blah blah. That’s not what I mean, necessarily. I’m talking about losing friendships.

I don’t know about you, but my friends become integral parts of my children’s lives. Probably because, as a mom of four, there really isn’t a way to “hang out” without at least one of them there.

Some friendships just don’t last forever, thats a natural part of life. You drift apart, go through a busy phase. Sometimes you meet up again later in life; sometimes you do not. I’ve had friendships that have lasted around 7 years just fizzle.

Before I had kids, it was tough, sure. Since having kids, its been heartbreaking! I have not experienced anything as tough as trying to explain why “so and so” doesn’t come by to hang out anymore. I, seriously, would rather have to break the news that someone died, before having to tiptoe around why someone suddenly refuses to say, “Hi,” when they see us in the grocery store.

I have not found a good surefire way to break this kind of news, but I do have some tips.

1. Deal with the loss yourself first. Come to grips with it, accept it, then explain it to your child. This helps you control your wording a bit more. If you haven’t fully processed what happened, do not try dumping all of that confusion on your little one.

2. Don’t be afraid to let them see you cry. This is especially true if they start crying. Cry with them. They need to know that it is okay to be sad and that you are going to miss that friendship just as much as they will.

3. Try to stay away from going negative. Be truthful, but do not go into a diatribe of how worthless and stupid this friend was, no matter how tempting that may be. You never know what the future may hold. That friendship might mend someday, but your child will never forget those terrible things you’ve said. Even if you hold no hope of mending the relationship, don’t go negative. This teaches them that it is okay to talk nasty behind people’s backs.

4. If this was a long relationship or a friendship with a family member, remind them that this friend still loves them and it is okay if they still love that friend. Kids have a tendency to internalize in a way that doesn’t make sense to us as adults. Even though we probably did the same thing when we were young. They need to know that friend doesn’t have a problem with them and not to take it personally.

It is still one of the hardest conversations to have, and I do suggest having it. Unless they are 5 or younger do not just wait until they notice and ask about it. It’s a much easier conversation when you control the atmosphere and timing.

Choose Joy!

Yesterday two of my kids woke up in completely two different attitudes. It was my third baby, Ella’s third birthday. Her big sister, Capri, woke up first and was completely psyched for what we had planned. When Ella came stumbling out of her room wiping sleep from her eyes, Capri bombarded her with a boisterous, “Ella!! IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!”

Moments later my oldest, Colton, comes marching out with a sheen of tears in his eyes. “Mommy, You woke me up when you shouted, ‘Happy Birthday.'” He was utterly offended that we would do such a thing!

As further information, it was already well past the time we all usually wake up. He was simply being grumpy.

Sometimes we are going to wake up on the wrong side of the bed, but that makes it so much more important to choose joy.

I had a lot of reasons to be sad and down yesterday. A big one being, my kids are growing up too fast! I mean even my tiny baby is well into eating puréed solids and working his way to crawling!!

I heard an author answer the question of what her favorite phase of parenting was in this way, “Every phase has its ups and downs.” Isn’t that so perfect for all of life?

I’m not saying live in a dream world where you ignore the sad things or bad things. Embrace them, knowing that in the next phase of life you might be able to look back and smile. Maybe those tough things are the building blocks for tomorrows tough things. Not a very uplifting thought when you think about it in a pessimistic attitude. But though times are going to come. What are you doing to prepare your resilience??

Every season has really good things and really nasty things. In every season, choose joy!!!

Love is not…

Love is not staying silent.

Is there anything more powerful than silence? A long while back a group of friends and I had gathered at a friends house to watch a football game. During commercials it would get pretty loud with the din of many different conversations and groups of small children playing. I remember one commercial silenced the whole room. Was it a commercial for the news or some heartbreaking tragedy for which they were raising money? Or even the one with all the sad footage of the dogs on “doggie death row?” Nope! None of those. It was a commercial for an animated movie. What? Why? The first few seconds of the commercial are complete silence. Every conversation stopped and we all turned to the TV. The animated panda simply said, “Now that I have your attention…” and were all amazed at the ingenuity of it all. Not to mention I’m still thinking about it 5 years later.

Silence is powerful! It can communicate anger, disagreement, or apathy. What are you communicating by your silence? Christians are supposed to be working to make the world a better place, but it seems like a lot of us would rather bury their heads in the sand. The church has been eerily quiet on so many issues over the past generation, then we come out of our spiritual comas and look around and say, “wow, our country has gotten so evil! It must be signs of the times!” Now I’m not saying the end times aren’t getting closer, but most of this mess is due to apathy on our part. Love means shutting Netflix off and saying something.

Don’t like the TV shows or movies coming out lately? Find someone making clean movies and support them.

Don’t like the data showing that only 1% of children born today will ever go to church? Stop bickering with other churches and win the lost. By the way, Jesus did say that if we all just loved each other then the world would know we were His disciples.

Think Abortion is murder? Sign a petition! Support a teen mom! Sign up for foster care! Say something!

Remember before you speak to weigh down your words with love! Only what’s spoken lovingly will truly make an impact.

Life Is Short!

What if I told you life is short? Yeah, I can sense the eye rolls and the exasperated sighs from here.

But guess what? Life is so short!

Yesterday I attended a funeral for an eighteen year old boy. I didn’t know him well, but I knew his parents and had watched his older brother in a lot of high school plays. An auditorium with seating for probably 150 to 200 people and there was only standing room left. Some people even had to be tucked off in hallways where they definitely couldn’t hear what was being said.

At every funeral we’re reminded of a reality we’d rather forget. Death is coming for us all. At least at an old man’s funeral, we can tell ourselves it’s so far away. Standing in the back with my four small children, I couldn’t help but wonder. How long do I really get them? We take it for granted that they will grow up and leave home. That we’ll watch them start a life of their own. I’m not saying spend everyday thinking they could die tomorrow, even though it’s a harsh reality.

What am I saying? Life is short! Don’t just live your life that way, teach your children to do the same. You don’t have to be morbid about it. Sure, my children and I talk about death and how quickly life will pass by often. And people think we’re crazy. I want my kids to see that they don’t have to wait until their adults to truly start living a life that has an impact. I want them to be that person who loves on those around them now. Who prays for that person who is hurting. A person like Cody Scott, who by the age of eighteen had made an incredible impact in his family, church, and school!

To the Mom on the Outside

Happy Mother’s Day, Everyone!!!

This post has been marinating for a couple of weeks, so I’m hoping that means it’s a good one!

How many of you have felt like you’re on the outside looking in? How many of you just literally raised your hands?? You’re my kind of people!!

It’s hard being on the outside. I’m a very extroverted person, so I really don’t feel like I’m on the outside that much, but when I do it’s overwhelming. Just a short while ago I was in a situation that I felt on the outside of a strong clique for many days in a row. I finally broke down a few days in, and literally found myself crying quietly in a secret place. Well, not extremely secret because my husband found me.

It’s so lonely on the outside, and that feeling is only aggravated when you try harder to get on the inside. But what is really happening? Is being on the outside my fault? Am I to blame when a group of people don’t fully accept me?

If you don’t hear a resounding, No, in your mind then this post is for you.

The past couple of days I have been in “Christian boot camp” we’ve jokingly termed it. We wake up and get started at 9am and go,go,go until 11pm, or later. I was worried about coming alone. You see it’s in Denver, Colorado, which is a big city, obviously, and I’m a small town girl. The crowds and traffic terrify me a bit. Also I have been to conferences alone before, and usually you just feel out of the loop since you don’t have your own “tribe” with you.

This time was completely different! The first night was a little awkward, but the lady in front of me and started talking about our lives and where we came from and why. Then the next day I met Deanna and very quickly we felt like sisters. The lady and her husband behind me kept asking to hold my infant son for me. The woman and her husband in front had a word for me and I was able to pray for healing for him. Even driving through the parking lot there’s so much peace it didn’t matter that I had to go further and further out. The overwhelming feeling of being surrounded by family made me happy that I could make a small sacrifice so others could get inside quicker.

I’m probably sounding like a maniac to some of you, but what I’m trying to get at is this. In Gods Kingdom no one is on the outside! We’re all family! We are made to love on each other!

So I hope that everyday I can make people around me feel like those “strangers” at this conference made me feel. Like a valuable part of an ever expanding family! We even all burst into tears when the blind man behind us was completely healed! I’m in tears now. I probably won’t see that man again until heaven and I couldn’t tell you his name! But he’s my brother, and I rejoice with him! Nobody should ever feel outside of the loop, just as much as you couldn’t make your hand or foot feel like it’s not an important part of your body!! If you’ve never read Corinthians, the correlation won’t make much sense to you, sorry. Just go look it up.