Growing up I always thought of myself as a pretty easy going low maintenance kind of person. I’m a people pleaser so nothing made me happier than to know those around me we’re happy.
By college I figured I’d be a pretty amazing girlfriend and future wife. After all it didn’t take much to please me, I wasn’t selfish or complicated. Or so I thought! I thought so much that it became part of my inner identity. I prided myself in knowing I wasn’t like all these other girls who were complaining about the man in their life not taking care of them. “I’m going to focus on taking care of him!” I vowed to myself. Nothing wrong with any of that, honestly, I’m still a big promoter of making sure to love on and take care of your husband. The downfall here that I was missing was I wasn’t making sure I was taken care of.
Now my boyfriend and now husband takes amazing care of me! But since I never took the time to figure out what I like and what makes me feel loved, it’s been a very frustrating confusing journey for him. All he wants is to be able to do things for me everyday that make me feel ten feet tall and just “high on believing.” The way I know how to make him feel (unfortunately, not every day though I do try.)
So I’ve been on a search. I analyze my interaction with everyone around me. What let’s me know they love me for real or what let’s me know I’m just a convenient friend is all? I’ve read all the love languages books and took the personality quizzes and I’ve shared all the results and thoughts with Reed, my husband, and, yes, I know I’m loved beyond all reasoning by him.
But you know what I found was the undercurrent of it all? What makes feeling loved so complicated? What makes me feel like I’m actually a pretty high maintenance person? When I feel the most loved is when someone knows my details.
I remember watching a hallmark movie or something and the main girl I clued in that the man guy loves her more than her current boyfriend because he knows how she likes her coffee. As a teen my sister and I read this Christian romance novel that had a man who couldn’t figure out which he loved of two girls and it turned out the one he loved he knew her eye color and the other he didn’t. These are terrible examples, but you get my point. I’m not the first to pick up on this. We all want to be known, and not only known but loved for what is known.
The best present I’ve ever gotten from my husband in the past couple years was an assortment of toe socks. Why? You ask. A few months (yes, months) before Christmas I was bemoaning the memory of toe socks and how much I loved them as a teen and how I didn’t even know if they made them anymore. Then silence! We never talked about it again. But Christmas Day I open a present and there they are… the most luxurious adorable assortment of the coolest toe socks!
My best friend keeps a mental folder (heck, probably a whole filing cabinet by now) of all the things I like and hate. In every category, clothing, people, food…you name it! Now I’m one of those people who is all over the place ( you know, who doesn’t like fruit pies unless it’s the apple streusel from city market). She works hard to keep up with all my little idiosyncrasies. And she’s a major reason I figured this whole thing out…every time she remembers some obscure fact about me, I get hit by that wave of love!
Everybody wants to just be known.