When God Says, NO

A few weeks back I confessed that I wanted to be pregnant. Well, answer to prayers, I am. New prayer: Morning Sickness!!!

My first pregnancy I lost 25 pounds in a matter of two or three months of morning sickness. I remember laying on the bathroom floor pleading for relief. I dont know if I would have called it “healing” back then. I thought this morning sickness was normal and I was just not as strong as other women. After all, morning sickness is always painted as terrible misery. After comparing notes with other pregnant women, I realized what I had experienced was not normal. I did some research before getting pregnant again and tried some natural processes to improve my gut health, hoping that the next pregnancy wouldn’t be as bad. Unfortunately, nothing changed. Once again I had lost 25 pounds by my 17th week of pregnancy before I started to slowly gain it back again. (The only difference was my second pregnancy I had the extra weight to lose anyway, what a blessing in disguise, right?)

When we started trying for our third child, I pleaded for healing. I had gotten in shape and was trying multiple nutritional things, basically doing my part to present a healthy body hoping that this time my body would be strong enough to handle pregnancy. But sure enough, as soon as that 6th week rolled around the sickness hit like a semi-truck. Once again, I was couch bound watching my husband carry the weight of my duties and his own to keep our household moving as smoothly as possible. My 4 year old learned how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and make his own cereal in the morning and my two year old learned how to get herself yogurt. I did as much as my body would let me. When my 14th week rolled around my friends at church decided to anoint me with healing oil and pray that the morning sickness would leave. God said, No, because it hung on with a vengeance for another month before it finally let up.

So, call me crazy, but, yes, in February it had already been a few months that my husband and I were hoping to be pregnant again, and I was frustrated that it wasn’t happening. So I prayed everyday that when the time was right, God would let it happen. I’ll be 10 weeks along tomorrow, and I’ve been dreadfully sick for 4 long weeks now. A month doesn’t seem very long when you think about it, but I have to struggle to remember what it feels like to not feel this way.

My fervent prayer every day for the past 28 days has been for healing. I know there are people suffering worse things in the world. I know being pregnant is what I asked for. I know what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. If it were just me suffering, maybe I could just bite down and deal with it. Wouldn’t any mom love an excuse to sit on the couch all day and binge-watch Downton Abbey?

I’m saddened watching my husband slave away doing both my job and his. I’m frustrated not having the energy to play with my kids or do school work with them. I’m angry that my 2 year old can’t snuggle as much as she likes because the pressure of her on my stomach and chest makes the sickness unbearable. I’m pushing through, one day at a time, but I’m still praying for healing! Maybe God is saying, “No.” Maybe He’s saying, “Pray more, lean on Me more.”

My favorite song through all of this has been “Even If” by Mercy Me.

“I know You’re able and I know you can

Save through the fire with Your Mighty Hand,

but Even if You don’t, My Hope is You alone.

I know the sorrow and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You just say the Word,

But Even if You don’t, My Hope is You alone.”

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