Can I be completely honest? Sure I can, no judgment on the internet, right?
Sometimes I find it hard to love my son. I hope he never reads this, but since I’m being open and honest, its true. Not that I don’t love my son, in the “I would die for you” way. What I mean is, lately, when I look at him I feel more frustration and annoyance than the swelling of pride and joy that used to be there.
With my girls, they’re still in that adorable stage of toddlerhood, so even if they are misbehaving I still want to just wrap them in my arms and kiss them all over. But my son is turning into a man. A rather headstrong one at that. He has traits that remind me of myself and that can be a problem. He’s also very selfish, despite all attempts by myself and my husband to raise our children thinking of others. He seems to constantly only be thinking of himself and what he’ll get out of a situation.
I feel terrible sending this out to the wide void that is the internet, but maybe, just maybe, there are other parents out there that sometimes go through stages of not really liking their kids.
Well, there is hope! I have, for the past few months, have been trying something that is usually advised for your marriage.
I read an article or blogpost about how to fall back in love with your husband. The basic idea is to notice things about your spouse. For example for me (not that I fell out of love but was trying to stay in love) it was Reed’s hands, or the set of his shoulders, or the way his arms look in a tight T-shirt (they don’t have to be physical things, I just find my husband extremely attractive inside and out, lol). Sometimes it would be hard to find things, the article warned, and that would be the crux of the experiment. Finding the things that you love about that person, is what helps you to stay in a place that you have the greatest love for them.
So, I’ve been trying that on my son. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, here. I never really stopped loving my son. I think what was happening was he was transitioning out of the toddler/little boy stage and into a young man stage. He being my oldest, I didn’t know how to love on him as a young man. He still loves snuggles and kisses, but I knew that wasn’t enough, simply because he’s not the tiny little boy that I can just snatch up and kiss all the time. I needed to fall in love with the new Colton, as a young independent man that he was becoming.
So everyday I strive to notice a few more things I love about him. The way he longs for perfection! His attention to details, and how he even keeps me in line sometimes. He knows the house rules better than even Reed and I who wrote them. The way he loves on his sisters (when he’s not torturing them, that is). The way he loves and looks up to his dad. That handsome face he makes when he’s reading a book. His ridiculous over the top laugh when he finds something funny that nobody else does. Its like since no one else is laughing he has to laugh extra to make up for it.
There are so many wonderful things about this little man we are raising in our home! He teaches me new things every day!