This past Sunday morning, I was asked the seemingly ever present question. “When are you having another baby?”
It’s is interesting that no matter what stage of life you are in there is always the question of kids. If you’re single, the question is, “Well, dont you wanna settle down and have kids before its too late?” If you just got married, “When are you having kids?” After you finally have a baby, “When are you guys having another one?” I have three babies, ages 6, 4, and almost 2. Now, yes, the age gaps imply that its time for another baby, but it’s really none of your business. Also, its is a really emotional subject for me right now. Why?
Well, I thought I wanted another baby, but lately I’m wondering if, deep down, I just want another chance. Another chance to enjoy the excuse to be selfish the way you can be selfish when you’re pregnant. The way I can excuse not getting anything done all day because I just dont feel up to it.
Maybe, I just want that first 48 hours in the hospital (Im a C-Section Momma) where you get pampered by the nurses and people bringing you food as you just lie in bed snuggling your tiny, tiny newborn.
Maybe I just want another set of small hands and feet, another pair of beautiful baby eyes gazing into mine for what feels like hours at a time.
As I look back at old pictures and videos of my three beautiful kids, I try to close my eyes and relive those moments. I have one of those weird memories that can relive random moments of my life. It’s not always trustworthy. As my dad says, “I have a photographic memory, I just ran out of film.”
So, I will relive some special memory of when my 6 year old used to wrap his arm around my side and caress my back while he was nursing. Or how my 4 year used to unlatch just to smile at me. Or how my youngest used to let out these ear splitting screeches at the most random times.
I thought I wanted another baby, and, to be honest, my husband and I have been trying. But every time my “monthly gift from Mother Nature” comes, I experience that disappointment mixed with relief, and I don’t know quite how to take that. I think part of me knows that when another child is added to the mix, everything changes.
More importantly, I think God hasn’t let me get pregnant yet. Maybe, because He wants me to see that having another baby will not bring back all those beautiful moments with my other three. Having another baby won’t cure my longing to keep them little just a little while longer.
I dont know if I’ll have another baby, but no matter what I will treasure the memories and look forward to the future. I cannot wait to see them embracing who God made them to be, learning to drive, finding their calling, getting married, becoming parents. Im looking forward to the teenage years with my girls of sharing clothes and going shopping together and staying up late watching chick flicks.
Im looking forward to watching my son turn into a man. He has dreams of building houses or being an inventor. I can almost picture him working with his dad and uncles, or leaning over blueprints of his latest project with that intense focus he summons up from time to time.
I want them to grow up. I just…don’t want them to grow up at the same time. This is the life of a mom, I guess.